A new year usually starts with revelations, new dreams, fresh ideas, energetic beginnings – that was how my 2015 begun, but it then progressed into a tangled ball of questions, questions, and more questions. To say that the year has started off with a bang would be an understatement, and everything has left me dumbfounded, confused and just extremely contemplative.
I fell off the face of KateEatsCake since my unforgettable trip to Seoul. Why? It was in November 2014 when I realized that I had forgotten the importance of staying true to myself. This space had turned into a burden for me – I constantly wondered if anyone was reading my content, questioning if my musings were good enough for other people. After much internal turmoil, I finally recalled how freedom to write really felt – when external judgment didn’t matter, as long as you put yourself out there. It used to feel good even when I received only one comment from a reader whom my words had connected with. That was what I had missed, and that is what I will return to.
That was one of the things I spent time thinking about during the past 2 weeks, on top of many other questions. These last 2 weeks were used to self-reflect and bask in being uncomfortable, questioning what my future would look like, and the direction I had led myself towards in the present. I started to ask what my core genius was, and where my heart was at.
Two weeks ago, my business partner (and dear friend) had decidedly rather suddenly that this was not what she wanted to do anymore. This partnership that had dictated most, if not all, of my life choices for the past 5 years was to end, and I had no idea where or how to start. It’s easier said that done when you tell someone to move on, and that’s exactly how I felt and still feel. With both our personal and professional lives intertwined, I’d be lying if I told you it didn’t feel like a break-up, and even betrayal. I started to wonder if all my past sacrifices were worth it, and where it had all gone wrong. I’m still coming to terms with it, but I am proud of myself and how I’ve handled it — we are still friends, we speak on a daily basis, and still at least once a week. (It’s been 2 weeks, so I’m not sure how much change can occur within such a short time frame.)
If this were a romantic break-up, it might have been easier because things could have turned ugly, and you would never have to see the other person again. You could remove them from your life, step by step, and create a reality without them. I didn’t have that option here, for I love my friend too dearly and can’t imagine a reality without her. Sometimes life throws you a punch in the stomach, and all you can do is deal with it and stand up should you fall.
My takeaway from this so far? Chill out, breathe deep, mourn if you have to, but keep your spirits strong. Surround yourself with love, love and more love, and then throw in tons of positivity. Take it step by step, write everything you need to do down (because your emotions can cause you to forget), then take all the time you need to figure out your next steps. Write all your options down, tell yourself what your worst and best case scenarios are (worst case scenarios, in reality, are really never that bad). Keep your heart firmly in your chest, and if you ever feel like you need to scream, cry or just curl up into a ball, stay home and let it all out.
That’s my update for January 2015. Oh, and I got myself an adorable car, which has made life only so much better – thanks Dad. We’re halfway through February now, and it took me 2 weeks to gather my thoughts and put myself back out here.
How was your January 2015? Tell me it was better than mine, please!